I don't know what it is about today. But I just feel less than content. I'm not entirely sure what's bothering me, but I know that something is. Could it be that I had to go back to school this afternoon because of such lack of food and sleep I totally spaced out and left it there last night? Could it be how I had to tell Chad to cool down his persistance? Could it be the annoying laughter of my roommate that feels like a cheese grater to my brain? Could it be my confusion over figuring out that curiosity about Enrique versus going back to Chad? I don't know. It could be all or none or some of these things. I just don't know. I want to go back to bed and just stay there.

Don't wake me up.

Pictures are worth a thousand words and yet this one describes my dilemma exactly.

Today's a new week. I hope it goes by as quickly as the last one.

As of right now, if wishes could come true. I'd wish to not be in school sponsored housing right now. I'm tired of my roommate. She has no common sense. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't said something I probably would have died because of noxious fumes coming from the oven because she wanted "to see if the oven really cleans itself". Seriously? Why mess with the "auto clean" function if you've never messed with it before and besides our appliances in this apartment are years old. I'm pretty sure it'd burst in flames. She didn't even smell how awful it was until I made her turn it off.

"Can I use your fan?" She asked as she turned on the overhead fan button on the microwave.

"No... I'm going to sleep. Open the door to the balcony."

"Oh, yeah. that'd work."

SEE WHAT I MEAN?! No common sense. Geez Louise.

Can't I just have a perfect little apartment with a roommate that doesn't make me want to scratch my eyes out from her stupidity? For someone who's 19, she sure acts like she's 5.

Messaged Enrique a bit back to say thank you for a birthday comment. His reply was the same story as usual. The same I-miss-you-but-i'm-stuck-in-my-selfish-ways-and-can't-see-that-I'm-being-a-jealous-dickwad crap. He'll never learn until he gets to experience firsthand what he does to other people. I believe in Karma. I'd never wish anything bad upon someone, but I do believe that what goes around, comes around. He'll see. One day. What he's truly missing.

I have my Acting for Animators class tonight. I hate night classes. Especially this quarter, seeing as it's the winter quarter. It's so cold! (Cold: Another thing I hate.) At least the class is all about participation and doing the exercises. It's not too hard, I guess. I just dislike getting in front of people. Bleh.

Oh! Birthday came and went obviously and I don't feel any different. Not really. I never do. Just another year. Being 21 isn't special at all. Especially when you're not into drinking.

Haven't written in a while, so that's what this is. A make-up post. Though it's nothing exciting. Never is. ;p

xoxo

P.S. Got into the Showtime show, Dexter and it is great. I love it. The characters are great and the seasons seem to keep getting better and better. My new guilty pleasure. Along with Glee and occasionally The Vampire Diaries. I'm such a dork.

It's Thursday and I'm ready for today to be over. I only look forward to the weekends anymore. ( read more... )

Haven't written in a while. Sorry about that. Haven't really sat down and wanted to put my thoughts together. Organize them so you can see. I wish I could do that. Pull my daydreams out and categorize them with sticky notes. Maybe you could pick one you like and keep it with you. Let it replay in your head like looped film.

Haven't been very productive. Let's see if I can remedy that before the quarter is over. I really need to learn to schedule myself. I always say I will, but I don't.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I totally forget about our 1 year, 1 month anniversary. But somehow, we celebrated it without even knowing it. It was kind of funny actually. We went to Rita's because I had been craving it. Kind of disappointed Rita's didn't have the flavor I wanted (coconut cream) but I settled with mango and it was delicious and perfect and yummy.

My roommate is ANNOYING! OMG. You have no idea. She talks OUT LOUD (yes, caps are necessary and no, I am not yelling) when she watches TV. She makes comments to herself. There's no one else watching it with her and yet she continues to make remarks. It's weird. I have a feeling she doesn't know how to talk in her head. It's quite odd actually. But that on top of having to feel like I'm her mother, reminding her to do common sense things, and having to sleep on the couch because she talks in her sleep is quite exhausting. I could go on. But I won't. You just have to trust me that she's pretty obnoxious and what's worse is that she isn't trying to be. She just is.

What else? Oh, about, hmmmmmmm, a little over 3 weeks ago Enrique stopped talking to me. No idea why. Just up and stopped. Honestly if he's going to drop me as a friend he could at least give me an explanation, right? I don't understand how he can do that to me. I've treated him so well, and he does this? What is he trying to do? If he wants to sever our relationship, fine. But at least be a man and say it to my face. Don't be a coward and ignore me. I don't deserve that. I just want honesty. I'm not even mad at him. Maybe he wants me to be, but I'm not. It takes too much energy to be angry at someone. Besides, what gets me is that I didn't do anything. His silence would make a lot more sense if I did...

Gosh, I really don't have much to say. Haha. Guess that's what happens when life keeps on going and you don't stop to write it down. Rain check? I'll try to be more insightful next time. ;)

xoxo

Since it's technically Monday, seeing as it's like 1 in the morning... I'm getting a new roomie in a couple of hours. I got to talk to her on the phone after her mom called to make sure that they would be packing everything she needed. She's 18 going on 19 on Friday. But unfortunately I was right about her being weird. She quoted Spongebob on the phone and told me she was watching Cat In The Hat. She asked me, "So, who cooks?" Like huh? SERIOUSLY? What?! I really hope she doesn't expect anyone to be cooking for her. She even made some comment of disbelief when I told her we do our own dishes. I really hope that she actually has domestic skills and can cook and clean up after herself. I won't be anyone's mother. But... we'll have to see how she holds up living in an apartment with three other girls.

I think I'll definitely miss having a room to myself. She seems really freaking chatty. I'm friendly, but there's a point where I kinda wanna be like, "Shut up!" LOL. I'm nice to a point, I guess. I don't do "annoying". I seem so mean! Haha. Just being truthful. Everyone has their limits for extremely talkative and odd characters.

I have no idea when her and her mom are coming to put up her stuff. Let's hope I'm awake by then. I just hope I don't have to do to much explaining and tour guiding. I have a midterm to finish! Eep!

Oh, weekend recap:

-N/A

Yeah, not anything to report... Didn't really have much of one to be honest. :/

Question... How do you go about being friends with someone who doesn't trust themselves alone with you? Do you just give up trying to hang out with them? Kinda going through that now. I want us to be able to go someplace, hang out, talk, but I can't. It really sucks.

Alright, finally getting sleepy. Gonna hit the sheets. Buenas Noches.

"I got your love letters, corrected the grammar, and sent them back." <3
xoxo

 Got done with my critique for Dynamic Life Drawing. I knew my drawing was "eh" comin' in. Basically I need to just up my storytelling and line weight. Which I pretty much knew. At least I wasn't like the one girl in my class who just didn't turn one in... I know better than to not have your midterm done by now. Mom and Chad sent me texts saying "good luck" which I thought was sweet. Even if I did get them after the fact. Haha. 

Slept okay I guess. Not sure if I had a dream or not. If I did then I totally forgot it. 

I'm still mad about the fact that I can't make an actual appointment for what's wrong with me. I have to make an appointment and get a referral to a urologist first. It's so annoying. 

I'm kind of glad that I get to semi enjoy my weekend. Well, sort of. I don't have any major Dynamic Life Drawing work, unless you count a couple sketches in my out-of-class sketchbook. I only have to worry about my midterm for Background Design and Layout. Sucks that I'm still stuck on what to do. I thought I had an idea, but now I feel like I won't be able to go through with it. Just coming up with something is seeming to be the hardest thing about this assignment. I'm not looking forward to coloring and inking all the pieces either. But oh well. 

I think I'm gonna have to invest in more "professional" looking clothes. I never had to dress up for midterms before today and I'm realizing that I don't really have many clothes that cut it. And I'm probably going to have to buy heels. The ones I have just aren't working. I think nice black ones with the strap around the ankle might be best. I'll have to look into it. Gonna have to get all Clark Kent up in this. (You know, 'cause he wears suits at the Daily Planet when he's not Superman? ...Didn't get it? Fail? Okay. Moving on...)

So, my weekend thus far is as follows: (things are subject to change)

Friday: I don't know yet. Chad'll come over and see me more than likely. But since he comes later at  night, I'll try and get some sketches in. 
Saturday: Hang out with Chad until he has to leave for that lock in from 8pm - 8am. I told him to go home after. I'm not gonna make him drive all the way to see me after staying awake for that long of a period. I'm not a jerk.  
Sunday: Prepare the room for my new roommate. Who I'm pretty sure is gonna be weird. She's in my major... And no offense, but most of the girls that are in my major are, well, weird. I don't really click with any of them. I'll talk to them, I guess, but there's no girl in my major that I'm like really close friends with. They're... acquaintances pretty much. I really am not sure why. Well, whatever the reason, I guess it's why Karl is my closest friend at the school. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this post was. Most of it was mainly a way to waste some time before my next class. I'm so hungry right now though. I'm totally getting something from the vending machine. I wish they had a bigger selection. Or maybe be all futuristic and high-tech and  have hot, fresh fast-food. Oh, you want a Five Guys burger and fries? Put your money in, push A3 and ::BAM:: you're good to go. I love how I crave the worst things for me when I'm hungry. Junk food just is so satisfying. :d

I wonder if... no, nevermind. 

xoxo

Title courtesy of a song I'm listening to at the moment. I'm at school waiting until my class at 12.  I'm hungry despite the fact that I ate breakfast. Though it was at 6 this morning... Anyway, so far the day has been mediocre at best. I woke up and got out of bed though, so that's a major accomplishment. My other accomplishments for this week are obviously to finish my midterms. I'm really going to try and focus the best I can. We all know I get distracted and stressed way too easily. 

Last night I went to bed angry and I always regret when I do that. As it's common knowledge, I think way too much, and when all my thoughts aren't exactly happy, my dreams seem to pick up on that. My subconscious takes over and my subtle rage comes out. I'd never say the things I said in my dreams. But I guess the dream "me" doesn't have a long fuse at all nor does she put up with being treated badly for no reason. She's definitely very blunt. I said "fuck you" twice in the dream. To the same person as he rode away in a car. 

I think I'm over it though. Sometimes that's all I need. Just time to get really pissed off and then I'll simmer down pretty quickly. I don't like staying mad. Kinda crushes my soul to be honest. It eats away at me. I can not stand anyone being remotely upset at me, so being upset myself is even worse. 

But yeah, not too much else going on this week, I think. I should probably schedule my appointment sometime soon. Oh! I am getting a new roommate on the 17th. So... hopefully that'll work out. There's a couple things I hope she won't be/do.

1. Snore
2. Be extremely messy (A little unorganized is okay, I guess, but to the point where you can't find your own bed? Now that's ridiculous)
3. Be antisocial/creepy/rude/ghetto
4. Sleep with the lights on/tv on/computer on/music on
5. Not respect my space

I'm sure there's more, but we'll leave it at that. 
I have to go to class. T2YL, lovelies. 

xoxo

I'm tired. I feel it pulling at the back of my head. But I have to stay awake a little bit longer. I need to get to a good place on this homework. I probably shouldn't be posting, but I need a slight break.

My mom, grandma, sister, and brother, Mikey, came to visit me on the 15th. They only stayed a day, but it made me so happy to see them. We went to the Natural Museum of History and walked around and later met up with Chad and had dinner. Afterwards we went to his house and my mom got to meet his parents. I wonder what they thought of her.

So, I found out I won't have Tasha as my roommate anymore. Kinda sad, really. She's taking a quarter off to take an internship and in the meanwhile is going to stay with her boyfriend, Chris. So, she has to move all her stuff out. Which she's kinda being slow on, but I guess it's fine. Hopefully I won't get anyone new this quarter. That'd be great. I just want to be able to even out the room and actually have more than a rectangle of space. ;P

I went to the doctor on the 17th... I didn't find anything out. I went in for my arm, since it's been bothering me for a long time now. And the doctor (she had the same birthday as me which I thought was interesting) checked it and concluded that it might be a sprain. So she gave me a referral to a physical therapist. Not really what I wanted. Then I asked her about my nocturia and all she did was make me do a urinalysis to check for infection which I knew I didn't have. So I had to wait even longer just for the results, just to find out what I already know. I felt like the trip to the clinic was a waste of time. The doctor told me she could refer me to a specialist or I could wait and just try not to drink caffeine or have anything right before bed. Nothing's really changed since the appointment. Honestly? I'd rather know that it's just because of caffeine intake than wait around and then find out it was diabetes or chronic renal or heart failure.

Guess I should go. Thanks for listening. LOL.
xoxo

My mom found out what the sex of the baby is....

( *drumroll* )

It's nearly 12 in the morning and... I can't sleep. I don't get it. What's keeping me up?

She loves how she notices the smallest details when she's with you. How she smiles at the most insignificant things. How she can never quite get you out of her head.

She passes by dandelions only to want to rip them from the ground and give them to you to make a wish.

She hopes your wishes involve her.

She hopes that they come true.

She takes your hand in hers, loving how they fit together, and watches as your pursed lips turn into a soft smile. It never leaves as you look at her.

You simply shake your head when she tries to ask, her curiosity always getting the best of her. "I can't tell you or it won't come true," you say. You could never tell her that you didn't really wish for anything.

She nods and you smile once again.

You don't have to wish for something you already have.

He sat there on his bed, one leg hugged up to his chest, arms holding it steadily while his chin rested on his knee. He was concentrating on every memory he had of her. Why did it feel harder to recall them with each passing day?

A cold chill froze his spine and he shook internally. He bit his lip and turned his attention to his solitary window. Every soft tap of a blind insect buzzing into the glass made his heart leap with anticipation, only to be grasped by gravity in an endless fall of disappointment. He wished the sound was the motion of her fist in the "secret" knock to let her inside his room.

He closed his eyes and let out a loud sigh. The walls echoed his sadness.

He'd never felt this alone. Not since...

This song is playing alongside the rumbling thunder outside my window.

It's the storm brewing inside his head. The tumultuous thoughts that strike without warrant in a blinding light of realization. The ones he never could control. The ones he'd like to let fall to the ground like acid rain on the softest rose petals.

I'm not up to writing today. I just got in this deep... I don't know. Something's going on in my head (as crazy as that sounds). I'm apathetic. Severely so. Hopefully I'll snap out of it.

I thought I was fine earlier...

I'm sorry.

I made a playlist of the songs that reminded me or made me think of him. 48 songs. 182 minutes. Interesting.

Not much happened today. (I always say that, don't I? But it's TRUE. I'm hella boring. Seriously.) I didn't write last night because I was up till 12 finishing up my character poses, turnarounds, and expressions. But the main point is that I finished. I'm happy. So, my goal was achieved and my reward of getting a much needed haircut... is getting put on the back burner for now. I'll wait. But not too long.

So, I get to my Intermediate 2D and we simply work on our finals. I got critiqued on the head shape not staying consistent when it turns. Ugh. I tried though. But he always likes to tell me that he appreciates my clean work. So, that's always nice to throw in the positives with the negatives. Sometimes it balances it out.

Next up was Brew. She actually liked my painting! Or I think she did... She's kinda weird like that. She didn't really have anything bad to say. Other than that she thought I should have added more light to the surrounding areas to show the light bouncing off. She didn't mind me cropping it (which I did because I didn't want to paint the bottom) or the fact that it didn't look exactly the same. "I like that you took Van Gogh's painting and made it your own."

Click here for the picture!

I think it looks kinda sucky to be honest. Oh well, you get the gist. Left is obviously the Van Gogh attempt and the one on the right is the monster I mentioned a while back. Lame. I know.

And excuse the half naked girl on my desktop. I thought she was cute. It's just her top that's slutty...

Anyway, after Brew I had lunch with Chad and then went on my merry way home. And since then, I have fixed my financial aid loan issue (I think) and drank some juice. Oh, and I took a shower. Aaaaand... um, I talked to my mom and dad today.

My mom told me about her day and about her sisters coming down in July. A sort of surprise for my grandmother when she comes down as well. Unfortunately I won't be there. Stupid school and what not. When my dad called it was about when I had summer break so he could coordinate times and tickets for me and the boys. So as of right now it's gonna be June 20th to July 1st in Florida con mi Papi. I'm just bummed that when I come back that I'll have another holiday family-less. It's not the same having a fourth of July without your brothers being stupid and burning themselves on firecrackers and Adianna being all cautious with a sparkler but being upset as soon as it fizzles out. I'm really not sure what I'll do after I come back from Florida. Kinda depressing really.

But as of right now, I am clean and showered and writing this entry. Which is coming to a close, I think.

For those of you, who randomly read this and care to know about my mom (someone STILL has not asked about her). She's in fact pregnant and the baby's in the right place and everything. She's a little over 6 weeks now. First the miscarriage and then the tubal pregnancy and now this? She feels it was meant to happen. I believe so too. God must have wanted her to have another baby. I'm very happy. And apparently Nani is too. She keeps touching my mom's belly everyday asking how the baby's doing and that she can feel it kick. She's silly. I'm excited to see my mom grow each time I visit. It's funny though... If I had a baby soon they could grow up with my new brother or sister. It's crazy, huh? But I'm not thinking about babies anytime soon. Trust me on that. One day though. Just not now.

I didn't want to rant in this entry. I'm proud that I didn't. Just wanted to write to clear my head. Wanted to leave it on a good note, you know? :)

xoxo

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but each post lasts as long as it takes for me to write a new one. As soon as a new one goes up, the old one goes to "private" . So, if you miss it. Your loss.

I'm writing early because I'm not exactly using my time as I should. I'm distracted for some reason, so I figure I'll get this out of the way, so I can just work into the night.

Today, I haven't done much. Just trying to get my character sheets done. Two sets of turnarounds, facial expressions, and poses. These are probably one of the things I hate doing the most, but I have to, obviously. Either they get done or I get a zero. But I gave myself another bit of motivation. If I finish on time, I'm getting my hair cut. I need one. We'll see how that goes.

Thoughts on this particular Monday are about last night. About a text in particular. (This may be a bit of a low blow, but no one reads this. As "public" as this is, no one really knows about  this journal and I need to rant.) I had just came from my shower and automatically checked my phone. When I saw that I had a new text message, I thought it was from Chad, but lo and behold it wasn't. It was from Enrique.

I didn't answer him back. It's too little too late. I don't believe anything he says to me anymore. He's going to have to really prove to me that he still cares. Telling me what he thinks I want to hear isn't helping anyone.  The whole thing is contrived and it feels like he only said "I'm sorry" to soothe his own conscience.

I don't know why I still fight so hard to keep him in my life. I don't know what keeps me hanging on. My grip's only so tight. It's only a matter of time before my fingers slip and I get up and walk away.

He can't keep taking me for granted. My heart can't take it... He can't just end a text with "Night kid." and figure that everything's okay. It's not okay. I'm not okay.

Not much to say really. It came and it went and I want it back. I wish I could stay in "weekend mode" forever. But I have reality to settle into and homework to accomplish.

Besides, it's 10:41 PM and I'm tired. First a shower, then some tylenol for my head, and then it's straight to my bed.

I'm not waiting for 11:11 anymore.