Curiosity

Iced Tea

2009-11-06T20:25:26Z

I don't know what it is about today. But I just feel less than content. I'm not entirely sure what's bothering me, but I know that something is. Could it be that I had to go back to school this afternoon because of such lack of food and sleep I totally spaced out and left it there last night? Could it be how I had to tell Chad to cool down his persistance? Could it be the annoying laughter of my roommate that feels like a cheese grater to my brain? Could it be my confusion over figuring out that curiosity about Enrique versus going back to Chad? I don't know. It could be all or none or some of these things. I just don't know. I want to go back to bed and just stay there.

Don't wake me up.

"You may be invincible, but you're not fearless."

2009-10-27T16:51:38Z

Pictures are worth a thousand words and yet this one describes my dilemma exactly.

Shuffle + Repeat

2009-10-12T19:52:59Z

Today's a new week. I hope it goes by as quickly as the last one.

As of right now, if wishes could come true. I'd wish to not be in school sponsored housing right now. I'm tired of my roommate. She has no common sense. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't said something I probably would have died because of noxious fumes coming from the oven because she wanted "to see if the oven really cleans itself". Seriously? Why mess with the "auto clean" function if you've never messed with it before and besides our appliances in this apartment are years old. I'm pretty sure it'd burst in flames. She didn't even smell how awful it was until I made her turn it off.

"Can I use your fan?" She asked as she turned on the overhead fan button on the microwave.

"No... I'm going to sleep. Open the door to the balcony."

"Oh, yeah. that'd work."

SEE WHAT I MEAN?! No common sense. Geez Louise.

Can't I just have a perfect little apartment with a roommate that doesn't make me want to scratch my eyes out from her stupidity? For someone who's 19, she sure acts like she's 5.

Messaged Enrique a bit back to say thank you for a birthday comment. His reply was the same story as usual. The same I-miss-you-but-i'm-stuck-in-my-selfish-ways-and-can't-see-that-I'm-being-a-jealous-dickwad crap. He'll never learn until he gets to experience firsthand what he does to other people. I believe in Karma. I'd never wish anything bad upon someone, but I do believe that what goes around, comes around. He'll see. One day. What he's truly missing.

I have my Acting for Animators class tonight. I hate night classes. Especially this quarter, seeing as it's the winter quarter. It's so cold! (Cold: Another thing I hate.) At least the class is all about participation and doing the exercises. It's not too hard, I guess. I just dislike getting in front of people. Bleh.

Oh! Birthday came and went obviously and I don't feel any different. Not really. I never do. Just another year. Being 21 isn't special at all. Especially when you're not into drinking.

Haven't written in a while, so that's what this is. A make-up post. Though it's nothing exciting. Never is. ;p

xoxo

P.S. Got into the Showtime show, Dexter and it is great. I love it. The characters are great and the seasons seem to keep getting better and better. My new guilty pleasure. Along with Glee and occasionally The Vampire Diaries. I'm such a dork.

Things to say when no one's listening

2009-09-17T15:39:32Z

It's Thursday and I'm ready for today to be over. I only look forward to the weekends anymore. Though this weekend is going to be spent doing my final. Another weekend Chad-less, but at least I'll see him Friday for a little bit. I can't believe he's graduating. Kinda makes me sad. I'm not really sure why. I feel like a high school girl who's boyfriend is going away to college. It's kinda silly really. He's not going anywhere right now and yet... I can't help but feel something might change. But I'm trying to not be how I usually am and think about that kind of stuff. I'm going to take it as it is. And appreciate the time I have with him. I'm slowly working on myself. I realize that sometimes I get so overwhelmed with my ideas, my opinions that I don't take the time to fully understand someone else's point of view. I'm so quick to get mad and frustrated when really there's no need to be. It's a simple miscommunication. I overreact and I shouldn't. Granted, I'm stubborn and I won't change overnight, but at least after a bit of anger I can stop and realize that I'm not the only one being misunderstood and come to the best solution. I'm doing my best to be a better person, friend, girlfriend.

There's one thing that I have noticed about myself and it's that I try way too hard when it comes to someone I love. And yes, that's technically not a bad thing, but it is when the other person isn't giving that same effort. I do things and they just stay unaffected on the shelf because the other person doesn't bother to pick it up. I'm learning that I can continue to be nice, but at the same time I can't take their ignorance personally. A recent example would be Tasha. After she left the apartment, she didn't really keep that much in contact with me. Every so often I'd write on her wall and Facebook and never get a reply back and yet she'd be online, constantly updating her status. She did that to me again on Monday. I mentioned that we hadn't see each other in a while and that there was a space on the couch if she'd like to watch Gossip Girl with me and Anna since that 's our favorite show. She never responded. But she updated her status. Facebook notifies you when you have a new wall post or comment or whatever. So, I know she saw it. She just didn't care I guess to bother. I felt a little snubbed but there's nothing I can do about it. That's how Tasha is. She's very "out of sight, out of mind" sometimes. You have to move on from those little pangs of hurt. Otherwise you'll dwell on silly things that stop you from fully living. It's nothing detrimental in the scheme of things when you really look at it.

I'm trying to do that. See every day for what it is. Be thankful for a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and a great family that supports me in everything I do. And be thankful for the few friends I do have, who make my day bearable, who I can rant to and be myself around.

Anyway on to a much lighter note...

I'm already thinking about what to make for dinner. I'm so hungry right now. And it's only 11:04 am.

My mom called me yesterday and told me that she got my birthday present in the mail. I have no idea what it is. And I love that I don't know. I like surprises. I like opening something and finding something inside that I never knew I wanted. I love thoughtful gifts. I'm not the best at gift giving but if I can make you smile genuinely that I know that I did something right. Chad's birthday is October 25th and I know all the little things I want to do for him. At the moment they're a bit food based, but that's okay. Everyone loves sweet things. I want to make him caramel apples because he told me he loves them. And I'm obligated to make my cupcake cones. I made them for his birthday last year. I stuck a candle in one and sung happy birthday. Simple but he really appreciated it. For this time around I already made him choose the frosting and cake he'd like me to use. Chocolate cake with vanilla frosting is what he decided upon.

Let's do some random thoughts/happenings/rants/whatever-ness, shall we?

-I don't understand how people can blast music or youtube videos on their computers in the lab when others are obviously trying to work. It's so rude.
-Even when I tell myself I'm not stressed, I am.
-My Zune got an update on Monday. I love updates.
-I kinda wanna see Jennifer's Body.
-When the trailer for the Scott Pilgrim movie comes out I will fangirl appropriately. Though I have a while for that.
- Me and Chad have watched all of True Blood so far, excluding the season 2 finale (we're watching it together on Friday), and we both really like it. It's better than I thought it'd be. Though at some parts, the characters were a little OOC, but I forgive them. LOL
-I sorta got back into the reading fanfiction thing. Stopped for a while. Just easing into it with small drabbles. Read a quick story in the morning while eating my breakfast. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy before walking out. My OTP is Brendon and Spencer atm. If you've seen their pictures recently you'll know why. They're adorable.
-I painted my nails a clear gloss, but now that I look at them they look like a very light sheen of lavender. (It's because I'm cold.) :/
-I don't think fat girls should wear really tight shirts. There's one girl that does in my Art History class and it just accentuates every fat roll she has. It's funny. I feel like fat girls have more confidence than skinny girls sometimes. LOL.
-I had to get a certificate of enrollment today, so I can renew my military id since it expires on my birthday. It states that I'm a full time student and my expected graduation date. It's Summer 2010... but I have a feeling it won't be. That it might be a bit after that. Like a quarter or so.
-I'm staying away from McDonald's as much as I can. I'm sure one day I might have a happy meal or something, but generally when I'm hungry and want fast food, McDonald's is not an option. Once you have it, then you crave it. McDonald's is weird like that.
-I haven't seen many blonde haired, brown eyed people. Honestly I think the less common color combinations are the prettiest.

Okay, I'm sure I've written enough to bore you. LOL.
xoxo

Kiss me quick but make it last...

2009-09-09T02:12:01Z

Haven't written in a while. Sorry about that. Haven't really sat down and wanted to put my thoughts together. Organize them so you can see. I wish I could do that. Pull my daydreams out and categorize them with sticky notes. Maybe you could pick one you like and keep it with you. Let it replay in your head like looped film.

Haven't been very productive. Let's see if I can remedy that before the quarter is over. I really need to learn to schedule myself. I always say I will, but I don't.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I totally forget about our 1 year, 1 month anniversary. But somehow, we celebrated it without even knowing it. It was kind of funny actually. We went to Rita's because I had been craving it. Kind of disappointed Rita's didn't have the flavor I wanted (coconut cream) but I settled with mango and it was delicious and perfect and yummy.

My roommate is ANNOYING! OMG. You have no idea. She talks OUT LOUD (yes, caps are necessary and no, I am not yelling) when she watches TV. She makes comments to herself. There's no one else watching it with her and yet she continues to make remarks. It's weird. I have a feeling she doesn't know how to talk in her head. It's quite odd actually. But that on top of having to feel like I'm her mother, reminding her to do common sense things, and having to sleep on the couch because she talks in her sleep is quite exhausting. I could go on. But I won't. You just have to trust me that she's pretty obnoxious and what's worse is that she isn't trying to be. She just is.

What else? Oh, about, hmmmmmmm, a little over 3 weeks ago Enrique stopped talking to me. No idea why. Just up and stopped. Honestly if he's going to drop me as a friend he could at least give me an explanation, right? I don't understand how he can do that to me. I've treated him so well, and he does this? What is he trying to do? If he wants to sever our relationship, fine. But at least be a man and say it to my face. Don't be a coward and ignore me. I don't deserve that. I just want honesty. I'm not even mad at him. Maybe he wants me to be, but I'm not. It takes too much energy to be angry at someone. Besides, what gets me is that I didn't do anything. His silence would make a lot more sense if I did...

Gosh, I really don't have much to say. Haha. Guess that's what happens when life keeps on going and you don't stop to write it down. Rain check? I'll try to be more insightful next time. ;)

xoxo

Stop waiting for things to happen. Go out and MAKE them happen. Stupid.

2009-08-28T18:55:14Z

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... OR you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

The best people are always taken. If you don't steal them, you won't have them.

And trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

"Hey, Kid, you'll never live this down."

2009-08-17T05:34:45Z

Since it's technically Monday, seeing as it's like 1 in the morning... I'm getting a new roomie in a couple of hours. I got to talk to her on the phone after her mom called to make sure that they would be packing everything she needed. She's 18 going on 19 on Friday. But unfortunately I was right about her being weird. She quoted Spongebob on the phone and told me she was watching Cat In The Hat. She asked me, "So, who cooks?" Like huh? SERIOUSLY? What?! I really hope she doesn't expect anyone to be cooking for her. She even made some comment of disbelief when I told her we do our own dishes. I really hope that she actually has domestic skills and can cook and clean up after herself. I won't be anyone's mother. But... we'll have to see how she holds up living in an apartment with three other girls.

I think I'll definitely miss having a room to myself. She seems really freaking chatty. I'm friendly, but there's a point where I kinda wanna be like, "Shut up!" LOL. I'm nice to a point, I guess. I don't do "annoying". I seem so mean! Haha. Just being truthful. Everyone has their limits for extremely talkative and odd characters.

I have no idea when her and her mom are coming to put up her stuff. Let's hope I'm awake by then. I just hope I don't have to do to much explaining and tour guiding. I have a midterm to finish! Eep!

Oh, weekend recap:

-N/A

Yeah, not anything to report... Didn't really have much of one to be honest. :/

Question... How do you go about being friends with someone who doesn't trust themselves alone with you? Do you just give up trying to hang out with them? Kinda going through that now. I want us to be able to go someplace, hang out, talk, but I can't. It really sucks.

Alright, finally getting sleepy. Gonna hit the sheets. Buenas Noches.

"I got your love letters, corrected the grammar, and sent them back." <3
xoxo

It's Thursday

2009-08-13T15:41:43Z

Got done with my critique for Dynamic Life Drawing. I knew my drawing was "eh" comin' in. Basically I need to just up my storytelling and line weight. Which I pretty much knew. At least I wasn't like the one girl in my class who just didn't turn one in... I know better than to not have your midterm done by now. Mom and Chad sent me texts saying "good luck" which I thought was sweet. Even if I did get them after the fact. Haha.

Slept okay I guess. Not sure if I had a dream or not. If I did then I totally forgot it.

I'm still mad about the fact that I can't make an actual appointment for what's wrong with me. I have to make an appointment and get a referral to a urologist first. It's so annoying.

I'm kind of glad that I get to semi enjoy my weekend. Well, sort of. I don't have any major Dynamic Life Drawing work, unless you count a couple sketches in my out-of-class sketchbook. I only have to worry about my midterm for Background Design and Layout. Sucks that I'm still stuck on what to do. I thought I had an idea, but now I feel like I won't be able to go through with it. Just coming up with something is seeming to be the hardest thing about this assignment. I'm not looking forward to coloring and inking all the pieces either. But oh well.

I think I'm gonna have to invest in more "professional" looking clothes. I never had to dress up for midterms before today and I'm realizing that I don't really have many clothes that cut it. And I'm probably going to have to buy heels. The ones I have just aren't working. I think nice black ones with the strap around the ankle might be best. I'll have to look into it. Gonna have to get all Clark Kent up in this. (You know, 'cause he wears suits at the Daily Planet when he's not Superman? ...Didn't get it? Fail? Okay. Moving on...)

So, my weekend thus far is as follows: (things are subject to change)

Friday: I don't know yet. Chad'll come over and see me more than likely. But since he comes later at night, I'll try and get some sketches in.
Saturday: Hang out with Chad until he has to leave for that lock in from 8pm - 8am. I told him to go home after. I'm not gonna make him drive all the way to see me after staying awake for that long of a period. I'm not a jerk.
Sunday: Prepare the room for my new roommate. Who I'm pretty sure is gonna be weird. She's in my major... And no offense, but most of the girls that are in my major are, well, weird. I don't really click with any of them. I'll talk to them, I guess, but there's no girl in my major that I'm like really close friends with. They're... acquaintances pretty much. I really am not sure why. Well, whatever the reason, I guess it's why Karl is my closest friend at the school.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post was. Most of it was mainly a way to waste some time before my next class. I'm so hungry right now though. I'm totally getting something from the vending machine. I wish they had a bigger selection. Or maybe be all futuristic and high-tech and have hot, fresh fast-food. Oh, you want a Five Guys burger and fries? Put your money in, push A3 and ::BAM:: you're good to go. I love how I crave the worst things for me when I'm hungry. Junk food just is so satisfying. :d

I wonder if... no, nevermind.

xoxo

Sueltate

2009-08-11T15:43:35Z

Title courtesy of a song I'm listening to at the moment. I'm at school waiting until my class at 12. I'm hungry despite the fact that I ate breakfast. Though it was at 6 this morning... Anyway, so far the day has been mediocre at best. I woke up and got out of bed though, so that's a major accomplishment. My other accomplishments for this week are obviously to finish my midterms. I'm really going to try and focus the best I can. We all know I get distracted and stressed way too easily.

Last night I went to bed angry and I always regret when I do that. As it's common knowledge, I think way too much, and when all my thoughts aren't exactly happy, my dreams seem to pick up on that. My subconscious takes over and my subtle rage comes out. I'd never say the things I said in my dreams. But I guess the dream "me" doesn't have a long fuse at all nor does she put up with being treated badly for no reason. She's definitely very blunt. I said "fuck you" twice in the dream. To the same person as he rode away in a car.

I think I'm over it though. Sometimes that's all I need. Just time to get really pissed off and then I'll simmer down pretty quickly. I don't like staying mad. Kinda crushes my soul to be honest. It eats away at me. I can not stand anyone being remotely upset at me, so being upset myself is even worse.

But yeah, not too much else going on this week, I think. I should probably schedule my appointment sometime soon. Oh! I am getting a new roommate on the 17th. So... hopefully that'll work out. There's a couple things I hope she won't be/do.

1. Snore
2. Be extremely messy (A little unorganized is okay, I guess, but to the point where you can't find your own bed? Now that's ridiculous)
3. Be antisocial/creepy/rude/ghetto
4. Sleep with the lights on/tv on/computer on/music on
5. Not respect my space

I'm sure there's more, but we'll leave it at that.
I have to go to class. T2YL, lovelies.

xoxo

gatita_curiosa @ 2009-07-26T17:10:00

2009-07-26T22:02:57Z

Okay, before I tell you about my weekend, let me tell you about my Thursday night. At around 7 or so Chad asks me if I want to go to a "little hang out dinner" next friday. I say sure. He's all excited about it and that's that. I had to practically ask him to tell me what it was all about. Then he tells me that it was an invite to hang out and to partially celebrate Ashley's birthday. I got angry. It was like he was trying to trick me or something by leaving out that significant information. He knows I do not want to be around Ashley. She has loud conversations to Chad right in front of my face and ignores my presence on purpose. If you're gonna be a fake bitch at least do it right... (Sorry. Language. I know.)

He tells me that I should put my indifference aside and enjoy this time with him because he wants to be able to hang out with his friends and girlfriend. I tell him he's selfish. He knows how uncomfortable I get. I don't talk to the people he hangs out with save for a very select few. And that's maybe a max of two. He tells me that I should try to strike up conversation with the people that are going to be there and I tell him that he needs to stop squeezing me in as a plus one. I don't know... it eventually is a constant back and forth. Nothing's getting settled and annoyance is rising. It hits my boiling point when he says, "... I know you don't wanna go. You never do." Pissed me off so much especially since I've been to places with him that I didn't want to to go to just to appease him. Just because it's what HE wanted. I pushed my feelings aside so he'd be happy. There's only so many times I'm willing to do that before I feel that I'm losing myself. I'm sure that's not nice to say, but it's true. We don't have to constantly go to things together to be considered a couple. But anyway, I get upset, and those angry tears start flowing. Before I know it I type "Fuck you, Chad" and basically sign off as quickly as possible.

He IMs me back and it goes straight to my phone, "I didn't want to go to the key phrase...yeah you might go, but the thought that you didn't want to is still there." So... I write back, "As it always is then, huh? Find yourself a girlfriend that wants to go things like that. Because I'm obviously not her." I'm pretty much convinced at that point that I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Friday morning we talk it out and come to the conclusion that should have been there in the first place and everything is right again. It's crazy what stupid arguments you get into when you're in a relationship. But for that split second I was sure we were over. I was so convinced I messed it up and was ready to let it go and let him find someone who wouldn't get under his skin like I do. But after all I figure that maybe it's what he needs. A difficult girl isn't always a bad thing, right? Maybe some people like a stubborn Puerto Rican.

But anyway, not much else happened that day other than a curious multimedia message I get on my phone. It was a picture of Bryan Lee O'Malley. The guy that does the comic, Scott Pilgrim. Which I heart btw. Enrique sent it to me, since he's at the San Diego ComicCon. I'm kinda jealous. But only kinda. I'd only go for the freebies and the chance to see Seth Rogen. LOL.

Saturday and (today) Sunday I hung out with Chad. Kinda had a bit of cabin fever sitting up in my room the whole time though. Seeing as Tasha moved out all her stuff... we don't have a television in the living room. So, whoever is coming over to see me has only to be entertained by my little ol' self and my computer. Haha. But it was fine for the most part. Mom's kinda freaking me out about seeing a urologist. She thinks I may have a cyst or something. >.> Ugh. Let's not have to think about surgery, shall we? Don't want to get ahead of myself until I see one.

So, for the rest of today I am going to sketch out a few ideas for my homework for Hernandez. I'm thinking Bill and Ted in Jurassic Park...

Random:

-Chad was working on my computer and left his AIM log chat between him and Enrique. I'm debating whether or not to be nosy and read it. It starts from August 2, 2008 and goes all the way to the 20th of July of this year. I wonder if I'll be curious enough to read through it. Though... for some reason I doubt it'll be too interesting. LOL.
-The Arizona iced tea that comes in a can that's only a dollar? Well, it comes in a plastic bottle now. Genius, I tell you. Geniussssss.
- I'm so tired of drawing gestures in my out-of-class sketchbook for Dynamic Life Drawing. The photographs I'm drawing from are all of naked girls. I don't want to look at boobs anymore! But I guess it's better than seeing "boy parts". LOL. I'm so immature.
- I had a dream about a flower the color of lavender. I had to sew it together with a thin thread the same color as it's petals.
- I've never dragged anyone to something they wouldn't enjoy or didn't want to go with me. I'd just feel guilty knowing they weren't having a good time.
- I have to go to the zoo with my class on Tuesday morning at 8am. I want someone to go with me that's not a part of my class. That way I won't be as bored out of my mind drawing animals.
- I feel like the most normal girl in most of my classes. Is that wrong? I'm not into anime or cult classic cartoons per se. I like what I like. Maybe I'm just boring?!
- I miss my best friend.
- I'd like to learn how to swim, but I feel like I might be a lost cause if you teach me.
- I can't eat Starburst without thinking about that one time I got hit by one.
- I want to sneak out of my apartment and do something fun.

Alright, this is definitely TL;DR but if you did, thank you, that was sweet of you.
xoxo

Heart of tarnished gold

2009-07-20T03:49:11Z

I'm tired. I feel it pulling at the back of my head. But I have to stay awake a little bit longer. I need to get to a good place on this homework. I probably shouldn't be posting, but I need a slight break.

My mom, grandma, sister, and brother, Mikey, came to visit me on the 15th. They only stayed a day, but it made me so happy to see them. We went to the Natural Museum of History and walked around and later met up with Chad and had dinner. Afterwards we went to his house and my mom got to meet his parents. I wonder what they thought of her.

So, I found out I won't have Tasha as my roommate anymore. Kinda sad, really. She's taking a quarter off to take an internship and in the meanwhile is going to stay with her boyfriend, Chris. So, she has to move all her stuff out. Which she's kinda being slow on, but I guess it's fine. Hopefully I won't get anyone new this quarter. That'd be great. I just want to be able to even out the room and actually have more than a rectangle of space. ;P

I went to the doctor on the 17th... I didn't find anything out. I went in for my arm, since it's been bothering me for a long time now. And the doctor (she had the same birthday as me which I thought was interesting) checked it and concluded that it might be a sprain. So she gave me a referral to a physical therapist. Not really what I wanted. Then I asked her about my nocturia and all she did was make me do a urinalysis to check for infection which I knew I didn't have. So I had to wait even longer just for the results, just to find out what I already know. I felt like the trip to the clinic was a waste of time. The doctor told me she could refer me to a specialist or I could wait and just try not to drink caffeine or have anything right before bed. Nothing's really changed since the appointment. Honestly? I'd rather know that it's just because of caffeine intake than wait around and then find out it was diabetes or chronic renal or heart failure.

Guess I should go. Thanks for listening. LOL.
xoxo

Oh wow...

2009-07-13T21:58:28Z

My mom found out what the sex of the baby is....

I'm going to have a new baby brother come January! Aahhhhhhhhhhh! I'm so happy for her and so excited. You just have no idea.

Oh, and random:

a.) Today, I had Chopp'd (or however you spell it) for the first time. I must admit their salads are quite delectable.
b.) I learned that a hobo got into our school randomly on Saturday.
c.) I have a hold that has to be figured out before I can get my schedule a.k.a the financial aid office SUCKS majorly because I turned this crap in already.
d.) I want to grow my hair long again

and

e.) When I was going home I saw this older guy with his zipper down. I only saw because I was looking in the reflection of the door windows. I wanted to laugh. BUT DIDN'T. Thank you, self control.

(More later - maybe - but probably not seeing as "OMGI'MGONNAHAVEANEWBROTHER" is kinda dominating my thoughts right now.)

xoxo

IDK

2009-06-24T03:55:21Z

It's nearly 12 in the morning and... I can't sleep. I don't get it. What's keeping me up?

Observant

2009-06-14T00:51:32Z

She loves how she notices the smallest details when she's with you. How she smiles at the most insignificant things. How she can never quite get you out of her head.

She passes by dandelions only to want to rip them from the ground and give them to you to make a wish.

She hopes your wishes involve her.

She hopes that they come true.

She takes your hand in hers, loving how they fit together, and watches as your pursed lips turn into a soft smile. It never leaves as you look at her.

You simply shake your head when she tries to ask, her curiosity always getting the best of her. "I can't tell you or it won't come true," you say. You could never tell her that you didn't really wish for anything.

She nods and you smile once again.

You don't have to wish for something you already have.

One and lonely

2009-06-06T04:16:38Z

He sat there on his bed, one leg hugged up to his chest, arms holding it steadily while his chin rested on his knee. He was concentrating on every memory he had of her. Why did it feel harder to recall them with each passing day?

A cold chill froze his spine and he shook internally. He bit his lip and turned his attention to his solitary window. Every soft tap of a blind insect buzzing into the glass made his heart leap with anticipation, only to be grasped by gravity in an endless fall of disappointment. He wished the sound was the motion of her fist in the "secret" knock to let her inside his room.

He closed his eyes and let out a loud sigh. The walls echoed his sadness.

He'd never felt this alone. Not since...

Struck

2009-06-03T22:36:16Z

This song is playing alongside the rumbling thunder outside my window.

It's the storm brewing inside his head. The tumultuous thoughts that strike without warrant in a blinding light of realization. The ones he never could control. The ones he'd like to let fall to the ground like acid rain on the softest rose petals.

Whoa oh! (Me vs. Everyone)

2009-05-29T01:31:32Z

I'm not up to writing today. I just got in this deep... I don't know. Something's going on in my head (as crazy as that sounds). I'm apathetic. Severely so. Hopefully I'll snap out of it.

I thought I was fine earlier...

I'm sorry.

All I know is falling

2009-05-28T03:06:34Z

I made a playlist of the songs that reminded me or made me think of him. 48 songs. 182 minutes. Interesting.

Not much happened today. (I always say that, don't I? But it's TRUE. I'm hella boring. Seriously.) I didn't write last night because I was up till 12 finishing up my character poses, turnarounds, and expressions. But the main point is that I finished. I'm happy. So, my goal was achieved and my reward of getting a much needed haircut... is getting put on the back burner for now. I'll wait. But not too long.

So, I get to my Intermediate 2D and we simply work on our finals. I got critiqued on the head shape not staying consistent when it turns. Ugh. I tried though. But he always likes to tell me that he appreciates my clean work. So, that's always nice to throw in the positives with the negatives. Sometimes it balances it out.

Next up was Brew. She actually liked my painting! Or I think she did... She's kinda weird like that. She didn't really have anything bad to say. Other than that she thought I should have added more light to the surrounding areas to show the light bouncing off. She didn't mind me cropping it (which I did because I didn't want to paint the bottom) or the fact that it didn't look exactly the same. "I like that you took Van Gogh's painting and made it your own."

Click here for the picture!

I think it looks kinda sucky to be honest. Oh well, you get the gist. Left is obviously the Van Gogh attempt and the one on the right is the monster I mentioned a while back. Lame. I know.

And excuse the half naked girl on my desktop. I thought she was cute. It's just her top that's slutty...

Anyway, after Brew I had lunch with Chad and then went on my merry way home. And since then, I have fixed my financial aid loan issue (I think) and drank some juice. Oh, and I took a shower. Aaaaand... um, I talked to my mom and dad today.

My mom told me about her day and about her sisters coming down in July. A sort of surprise for my grandmother when she comes down as well. Unfortunately I won't be there. Stupid school and what not. When my dad called it was about when I had summer break so he could coordinate times and tickets for me and the boys. So as of right now it's gonna be June 20th to July 1st in Florida con mi Papi. I'm just bummed that when I come back that I'll have another holiday family-less. It's not the same having a fourth of July without your brothers being stupid and burning themselves on firecrackers and Adianna being all cautious with a sparkler but being upset as soon as it fizzles out. I'm really not sure what I'll do after I come back from Florida. Kinda depressing really.

But as of right now, I am clean and showered and writing this entry. Which is coming to a close, I think.

For those of you, who randomly read this and care to know about my mom (someone STILL has not asked about her). She's in fact pregnant and the baby's in the right place and everything. She's a little over 6 weeks now. First the miscarriage and then the tubal pregnancy and now this? She feels it was meant to happen. I believe so too. God must have wanted her to have another baby. I'm very happy. And apparently Nani is too. She keeps touching my mom's belly everyday asking how the baby's doing and that she can feel it kick. She's silly. I'm excited to see my mom grow each time I visit. It's funny though... If I had a baby soon they could grow up with my new brother or sister. It's crazy, huh? But I'm not thinking about babies anytime soon. Trust me on that. One day though. Just not now.

I didn't want to rant in this entry. I'm proud that I didn't. Just wanted to write to clear my head. Wanted to leave it on a good note, you know? :)

xoxo

Obvious

2009-05-25T22:12:18Z

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but each post lasts as long as it takes for me to write a new one. As soon as a new one goes up, the old one goes to "private" . So, if you miss it. Your loss.

I'm writing early because I'm not exactly using my time as I should. I'm distracted for some reason, so I figure I'll get this out of the way, so I can just work into the night.

Today, I haven't done much. Just trying to get my character sheets done. Two sets of turnarounds, facial expressions, and poses. These are probably one of the things I hate doing the most, but I have to, obviously. Either they get done or I get a zero. But I gave myself another bit of motivation. If I finish on time, I'm getting my hair cut. I need one. We'll see how that goes.

Thoughts on this particular Monday are about last night. About a text in particular. (This may be a bit of a low blow, but no one reads this. As "public" as this is, no one really knows about this journal and I need to rant.) I had just came from my shower and automatically checked my phone. When I saw that I had a new text message, I thought it was from Chad, but lo and behold it wasn't. It was from Enrique.

I didn't answer him back. It's too little too late. I don't believe anything he says to me anymore. He's going to have to really prove to me that he still cares. Telling me what he thinks I want to hear isn't helping anyone. The whole thing is contrived and it feels like he only said "I'm sorry" to soothe his own conscience.

I don't know why I still fight so hard to keep him in my life. I don't know what keeps me hanging on. My grip's only so tight. It's only a matter of time before my fingers slip and I get up and walk away.

He can't keep taking me for granted. My heart can't take it... He can't just end a text with "Night kid." and figure that everything's okay. It's not okay. I'm not okay.

Weekend update

2009-05-25T02:44:32Z

Not much to say really. It came and it went and I want it back. I wish I could stay in "weekend mode" forever. But I have reality to settle into and homework to accomplish.

Besides, it's 10:41 PM and I'm tired. First a shower, then some tylenol for my head, and then it's straight to my bed.

I'm not waiting for 11:11 anymore.

So...

2009-05-23T03:50:47Z

This can be summed up pretty quickly. I'm got shoved so hard metaphorically that I'm not gonna try and get back up and come after the person who pushed me, to ask them for an answer or an explanation. I'm going to let them be. I have to. They just don't see how much I do for them. And I still have that aching feeling that they don't care anymore. They aren't able to care apparently. Because caring just might mean that they love me. And that's too difficult an emotion to deal with.

I wish it wasn't this way.

I'm a dirty girl

2009-05-22T02:36:04Z

Today, today, today... What did I do today?

Not much reallllly. I painted my nails. They're this pretty hot pink. And I painted my toes to match. I think it looks cute. ;p Just got finished taking a shower. I am in love with my lavender body wash. It smells so good and it makes my skin really soft. It's great.

Anyway, today was kinda weird at first. Enrique IM'd me and just started off with questions. No "hello". Nothing. He asks about my livejournal Then asks why I had an icon of my butt on AIM. It was a cropped version of this picture:

Obviously not my butt right? My butt's not that flat. Sheesh. LOL.

And then he goes and sends me issue 62 of Invincible. Maybe he was trying to be nice. I just thought he used to send me them because he wanted someone to be able to "fanboy" with. Though I never was good at doing that. After that he just stopped talking of course. I still haven't read the issue. Oops.

I did dishes today too. It was insane.

Then later we had a "meeting". Jazmine decided she thought a roommate meeting was in order. Me and Anna talked about it slightly before Tasha came home and I was in agreement. The apartment hasn't been looking that great lately. People have been slacking.

The freakin' conversation ended up lasting 2 hours! It should not have been that long, right? Ugh. People were just not seeing eye to eye and the way some were talking? Their tone was not very nice. I ended up feeling at one point that it was Anna/Jazmine vs me/Tasha. Jazmine made some offhanded comments that me and Tasha were making light of the situation and that maybe we were "used to being around mess". Really? Wow. Thanks. We came to a resolution, but it took way too long to get there.

I hate confrontation. No matter what kind.

Anyway, afterwards, I finished up watching Iron Man and did a few more digital sketches. Nothing extravagant or exciting. Right now I'm watching Camp Rock. LOL. Whatever. Demi Lovato is adorable. <3

You know, I wonder if Enrique even reads these entries. After he deleted and then undeleted his own LJ, he hasn't commented or written his own. Makes me a little uneasy, knowing he never even bothered to ask about my mom, if he does read this. But, I guess he shouldn't get too involved? I'd still like him to be though. He's still my best friend of the boy variety. :)

Oh, remember those sketches I did for the characters for my final for Intermediate 2D? Well, here's one of them. I present "Doug" (named by Neil) the monkey:

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm going to make chocolate chip cookies and strawberry daiquiri Jell-o. Just because. :3

And here's one last picture. Yay for Starburst jelly beans. :D

Sorry for the spam of random pictures. And sorry so short. My life's boring. Shoulda caught on a long time ago. LOL.

xoxo

Semi-charmed life

2009-05-21T02:50:23Z

I wasn't going to write today, but I figured I should. I'm gonna try to stick with this as best as I can. I said I'd do this and I will. Even if the original plan's been altered. :/

Anyway, got up early (well, not really... I stayed in bed for a few minutes before actually getting up) and went to get some orange juice. I think I kinda I woke up Anna and Neil who were sleeping in the living room. Anna on her mattress on the floor and Neil on the couch, but I'm really quiet in the mornings, so I'm not entirely sure. Grabbed my glass of OJ and went into the room, sat up in my bed, and drank quietly. The only real sounds are the fan whirring at the third preset. Gives me time to think. Though it's not like I need it. I think constantly. Then I got dressed and shoved off to school.

In Intermediate 2D we showed Buffalo our character designs and storyboards. He liked the monkey I drew but I had to redo my organ grinder character. He didn't look "organ grinder-y" enough. Which is fine. So, I was busy redrawing and sketching a more finalized storyboard. Wednesday (since we don't have school this upcoming Monday or Tuesday) we have our turnarounds, action poses, and expressions for each character due, so I was thinking how I'd get that done and then before I knew it I had to go to Brew's class.

She keeps making us do menial assignments when we should be working on our final. Drives me crazy. Robyn gave a demo on brushes. Which actually was pretty useful. It's amazing how much Brew doesn't inform us about. Then we were assigned to recreate a landscape painting done by a famous artist. Mine's Van Gogh's Starry Night. Then we were told to stop and paint a ping pong ball for the rest of the class. She wants the famous artist painting and ping pong ball painting on Wednesday. She also wants us to have our monsters fixed, redone, and printed for that day as well. She aggravates me. I'm not gonna have much of a Memorial Day Weekend, am I? But while we were still working, my mom called me. There was no way I was going to ignore it. Especially when she had already called me earlier and I missed it. So, I took the call outside... Which is a good thing, because I started crying.

Finally, Wu's class. I gave her my request and she signed it. Then I had to go to financial aid and accounting. I had a lot more holds than I thought I did when I went to FA. A little annoying. I feel like I'm constantly resubmitting the same paperwork over and over and reapplying to the same crap. But whatever, as long as it gets done, right? Then I skipped (haha, just kidding) over to accounting and got the "you-know-you're-losing-the-cost-of-the-class-and-this-is-how-much-it-is" speech. Then I went back to Wu's class and got my stuff together to go home. There was nothing else I could do. I have to get my department chair's signature before I can turn it into the registrar and he was definitely not in the building.

So... I went home. And have been home ever since. I've been by myself all day in a sense. Anna's been in her room mostly and I've just been sitting on the couch, watching TV and half-heartedly surfing the net. Though I did find this one picture of a girl. She's what I have the girlfriend envisioned in my head for the Ikari story. Well, not completely, but I just stopped and was like, "That's Lena." So, I saved it.

I feel a little lonely. I'm not entirely sure why. I probably just need some sleep. Yeah, that's probably it. Sorry this entry sucks... Hopefully it'll be better next time.

G'nite. <3

xoxo

For real this time...

2009-05-20T02:23:30Z

Alright, excuse the random OMG moment from earlier. *ahem* So, my day was... okay for the most part. I'll give a run down, despite it's boring-ness.

I woke up at around... 9:30. Tasha kinda wakes me up on Tuesday and Thursdays because she has class at 11 on those days and I don't. Went on the computer, wrote an entry. I missed doing that. Then I got around to eating breakfast and then finally got dressed to go to the school and deal with dropping that class.

I went straight to the tenth floor. Waited for someone to acknowledge that I was standing there. They're never very attentive at the registrar office. Unless they have a line, they don't care if a single person is kindly waiting. Finally when someone saw me, they leaned back in their chair and gave me eye contact. A silent "What do you want?" I told them, "I have to drop a class?" They gave me the most bored look, then did two gestures. The first was putting up four fingers. The second was a downwards point. Both to indicate that beside me in the paper sorter, on the fourth shelf, was the paper I needed. I pointed to it and asked, "This it?" They nodded like I was stupid and I smiled and thanked them.

They really have no social skills at this school. And they say the students here are rude. I think I'd like to hear actual audio if I'm talking to someone. Well, anyway, as I took my paper and turned to walk I read the paper and realized that the way you have to drop a class changed. You have to go in a certain order to get your request approved. And apparently you have to write a letter. Frustrated, that I couldn't do anything today, I got right back in the elevator and went home. I hate when I go to the school only to turn right back.

When I returned, Anna and I (okay, just Anna really) dealt with the issue we've been having for a week and a half. The dryer. Now, it's been really retarded lately. It'll start and then after a couple minutes it will just stop. Not very conducive if you're trying to get your clothes washed. So, poor Anna has had wet clothes in the washer for a few days because of the dryer being made of pure suck. We've (and "we" being a loose term, since it's been more Anna and Tasha in this instance) have been putting in work orders for the maintenance dudes to come and fix the dryer. They've come at least 3 times previous today and click on the dryer, say it's working and then leave. They don't stay and see that it turns off after a while. Finally, they do see that something's wrong with it and actually get to work.

They pull out the washer/dryer and there's a massive amount of dust back there... and apparently someone's underwear. Which made me laugh. So, after screwing with it for a while they tell us that they have to replace the motor, they give us a temporary washer/dryer and tell us that we'll have ours back tomorrow. So, finally I can wash my clothes!!!! I've been impatiently waiting. Right now, I have two different socks on. Two socks that I never found each other's pair to. So, I'm glad I can get some laundry done tonight.

I drew some sketches for my two characters for my final in Intermediate 2D today as well. I think I'm pleased with how they came out. We'll see. Not looking forward to the turnarounds for them, but yeah... LOL. It's a clip from the, uh... 11 second club? Yeah, that's it. It's the audio from the February contest. There were two other audios but I picked that one. Mmy premise is an organ grinder and his monkey arguing. The monkey would obviously be the first character saying, "you wouldn't last one day." Odd, yes, but I think it'll be cute.

Haven't really worked on much of anything else. I finally typed up the rest of what I had written in my notebook about Kale though. I can't believe I found it. I had it for a while now, but the Kale stuff was mostly written in my Critical Thinking class. It's a cheap bright yellow CVS notebook. I've doodled all over the front. ;p. But anyway, I'll definitely go back and tweak what I've typed. I really do have a rushed feel when I physically write on paper than when I write on the computer. Backspacing is so much more effective than erasing or scribbling out in pen.

Hmmm, I'm trying to think if I missed anything else that happened today. Um, I'm probably going to buy my own set of dishes, that way I'll know exactly what dishes I use. I'm so tired of doing everyone else's dishes.

Oh, and the other day, Jazmine had a really loud yelling match at her boyfriend in the living room. Through her phone. It was insane. I felt like I was the one being screamed at, she was so loud.

Um... oh, yeah! I saw the Gossip Girl season finale last night (after Jazmine went back in her room and settled down). Chuck finally said "I love you" back to Blair. It was the best thing. Such a sweet moment. It's been such a long time coming with those two. From dealing with being committed to other people, to playing games... They've been through quite a bit. I was really happy they got together at the end of the episode. Made me really happy. I honestly do love happy endings.

xoxo

Update!

2009-05-19T23:29:29Z

Sorry, not much of a post... but... I'm freaking out a little.

I talked to my mom while she was driving home and well, long story short, she took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. I don't know whether to be excited or scared. I don't know who to talk to about this. I'm just like all kinds of spastic thoughts.

Seeing as my mom had surgery recently from her tubal pregnancy, I'm scared that the baby might be in the only other fallopian tube she has left. But she told me that she called and made an appointment and they'll do blood work to make sure she is in fact pregnant and if she is, they can check where the baby is. If it IS in the fallopian tube, then they'll have to terminate it. Otherwise... if it's in her ovary where it's supposed to be, then it should be fine. It's crazy. I'm so nervous for her.

I hope everything turns out okay.